is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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