This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
did i walk over a car last night?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
