I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
