If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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