Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
