Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
