I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
