Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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