Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
