my phone needs a breathalizer
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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