just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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