I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
