If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
