Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
