The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
