why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
