Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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