im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
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I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
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I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,