At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken