I cockslap morals
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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