Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
