The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
