Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
