I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
