I hate your face
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
