stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
