I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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