I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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