broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
