My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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