When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
