can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
