Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
