i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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