before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
