Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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