I accidentally had phone sex last night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
