90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
