I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
