I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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