this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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