I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No I am not eating basil off your cock
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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