So drunk its hurt
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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