There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
