So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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