you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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