dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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