i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
