Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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