Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
