So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
