o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
