Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
