My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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