I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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