just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
