I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
