Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
