Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
